Author: Demetri Martin

Quotes

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

- Demetri Martin

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

- Demetri Martin

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

- Demetri Martin

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

- Demetri Martin

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

- Demetri Martin

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

- Demetri Martin

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

- Demetri Martin

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

- Demetri Martin

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