Author: Emo Philips

Quotes

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

- Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

- Emo Philips

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

- Emo Philips

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

- Emo Philips

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

- Emo Philips

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

- Emo Philips

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

- Emo Philips

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

- Emo Philips

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