Author: Rodney Dangerfield

Quotes

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

- Rodney Dangerfield

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

- Rodney Dangerfield

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

- Rodney Dangerfield

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

- Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

- Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

- Rodney Dangerfield

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

- Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

- Rodney Dangerfield

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