Author: Rodney Dangerfield

Quotes

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

- Rodney Dangerfield

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

- Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

- Rodney Dangerfield

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

- Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

- Rodney Dangerfield

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

- Rodney Dangerfield

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

- Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

- Rodney Dangerfield

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