Author: Rodney Dangerfield

Quotes

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

- Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

- Rodney Dangerfield

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

- Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

- Rodney Dangerfield

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

- Rodney Dangerfield

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

- Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

- Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

- Rodney Dangerfield

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