Author: Henny Youngman

Quotes

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

- Henny Youngman

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

- Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

- Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

- Henny Youngman

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

- Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

- Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

- Henny Youngman

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

- Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

- Henny Youngman

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