Author: Henny Youngman

Quotes

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

- Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

- Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

- Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

- Henny Youngman

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

- Henny Youngman

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

- Henny Youngman

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

- Henny Youngman

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

- Henny Youngman

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

- Henny Youngman

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