Author: Henny Youngman

Quotes

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

- Henny Youngman

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

- Henny Youngman

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

- Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

- Henny Youngman

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

- Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

- Henny Youngman

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

- Henny Youngman

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

- Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

- Henny Youngman

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