Author: Henny Youngman

Quotes

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

- Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

- Henny Youngman

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

- Henny Youngman

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

- Henny Youngman

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

- Henny Youngman

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

- Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

- Henny Youngman

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

- Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

- Henny Youngman

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