Author: Henny Youngman

Quotes

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

- Henny Youngman

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

- Henny Youngman

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

- Henny Youngman

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

- Henny Youngman

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

- Henny Youngman

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

- Henny Youngman

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

- Henny Youngman

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

- Henny Youngman

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

- Henny Youngman

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