Author: Joan Rivers

Quotes

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

- Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

- Joan Rivers

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

- Joan Rivers

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

- Joan Rivers

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

- Joan Rivers

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

- Joan Rivers

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

- Joan Rivers

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

- Joan Rivers

As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.

As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.

- Joan Rivers

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