Author: Mitch Hedberg

Quotes

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

- Mitch Hedberg

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

- Mitch Hedberg

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

- Mitch Hedberg

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

- Mitch Hedberg

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

- Mitch Hedberg

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

- Mitch Hedberg

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

- Mitch Hedberg

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

- Mitch Hedberg

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

- Mitch Hedberg

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