Author: Mitch Hedberg

Quotes

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

- Mitch Hedberg

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

- Mitch Hedberg

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

- Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

- Mitch Hedberg

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

- Mitch Hedberg

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

- Mitch Hedberg

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

- Mitch Hedberg

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

- Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

- Mitch Hedberg

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