Author: Mitch Hedberg

Quotes

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

- Mitch Hedberg

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

- Mitch Hedberg

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

- Mitch Hedberg

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

- Mitch Hedberg

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

- Mitch Hedberg

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

- Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

- Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

- Mitch Hedberg

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

- Mitch Hedberg

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