Author: Phyllis Diller

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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

- Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

- Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

- Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

- Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

- Phyllis Diller

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

- Phyllis Diller

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

- Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

- Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

- Phyllis Diller

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