Author: Phyllis Diller

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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

- Phyllis Diller

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

- Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

- Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

- Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

- Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

- Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

- Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

- Phyllis Diller

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

- Phyllis Diller

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