Author: Phyllis Diller

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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

- Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

- Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

- Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

- Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

- Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

- Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

- Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

- Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

- Phyllis Diller

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