Author: Phyllis Diller

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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

- Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

- Phyllis Diller

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

- Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

- Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

- Phyllis Diller

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

- Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

- Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

- Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

- Phyllis Diller

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