Author: Phyllis Diller

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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

- Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

- Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

- Phyllis Diller

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

- Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

- Phyllis Diller

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

- Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

- Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

- Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

- Phyllis Diller

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