Author: Phyllis Diller

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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

- Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

- Phyllis Diller

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

- Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

- Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

- Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

- Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

- Phyllis Diller

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

- Phyllis Diller

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

- Phyllis Diller

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