Author: Phyllis Diller

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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

- Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

- Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

- Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

- Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

- Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

- Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

- Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

- Phyllis Diller

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

- Phyllis Diller

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