Author: Phyllis Diller

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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

- Phyllis Diller

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

- Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

- Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

- Phyllis Diller

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

- Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

- Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

- Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

- Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

- Phyllis Diller

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